10 habits to practice when dealing with a strong willed child

Parenting a strong-willed child can feel like navigating a storm. One moment you’re sharing a peaceful breakfast, and the next, your child is having a complete meltdown because you suggested they wear shoes to the grocery store. These intense moments can leave even the most patient parents feeling exhausted and questioning their approach.

But here’s the truth: strong-willed children aren’t broken or defiant for the sake of being difficult. They’re determined individuals who need guidance to channel their powerful energy into positive directions. With the right habits and mindset, you can transform daily battles into opportunities for growth—both for your child and yourself.

Understanding Your Strong-Willed Child

Before diving into strategies, it’s essential to understand what makes your child tick. A strong-willed child is determined, passionate, and driven by an intense need to have their voice heard. They don’t back down easily, often negotiate with the persistence of a seasoned lawyer, and possess an unwavering sense of what they believe is fair.

These children are typically intelligent and emotionally sensitive. They feel everything deeply and passionately, which can make their reactions seem disproportionate to the situation. What appears as defiance is often their way of expressing big emotions they haven’t yet learned to manage.

Traditional authoritarian parenting approaches—those that rely heavily on “because I said so”—often backfire spectacularly with strong-willed children. These kids crave understanding, respect, and some degree of autonomy in their daily lives. They need to feel heard and valued, not controlled or dismissed.

Habit 1: Embrace Peaceful Parenting

The foundation of successfully parenting a strong-willed child lies in creating a safe emotional environment. Authoritarian parenting, which focuses on control and compliance, often escalates conflicts with these children. Instead, peaceful parenting emphasizes connection, understanding, and guidance.

This doesn’t mean being permissive or allowing your child to run wild. Rather, it means approaching challenging behaviors with curiosity instead of anger. When your child refuses to get dressed for school, instead of immediately launching into commands or threats, pause and consider what might be driving their resistance.

Create space for your child to express their feelings safely. Strong-willed children often have strong emotions that need an outlet. If they feel their thoughts and feelings are consistently dismissed or ignored, they may explode in ways that seem unreasonable.

Habit 2: Prioritize Quality Time

Strong-willed children often act out when they feel disconnected from their parents. Regular one-on-one time with your child can prevent many behavioral issues before they start. This isn’t about elaborate activities or expensive outings—it’s about giving your child your undivided attention.

Set aside time each day, even if it’s just 15 minutes, to engage in an activity your child enjoys. Let them lead the play. If they want to build a fort out of cushions or have a tea party with stuffed animals, follow their lead. This time should be free from corrections, instructions, or life lessons.

Laughter and play are particularly powerful tools for strong-willed children. They help release tension and strengthen your connection. Power-reversal games, where you take the less powerful role, can be especially effective. Let your child be the teacher while you play the confused student, or pretend to be weaker than they are in a gentle wrestling match.

Habit 3: Master Your Own Triggers

Strong-willed children have an uncanny ability to push buttons you didn’t even know you had. Their intensity can trigger your own big emotions, leading to power struggles that leave everyone feeling defeated. Learning to manage your own emotional responses is crucial for maintaining a peaceful home environment.

When you feel your anger rising, take a step back. Recognize that your child’s behavior is not a personal attack on you—it’s their way of communicating something important. They might be overwhelmed, scared, or simply asserting their developing sense of autonomy.

Practice self-compassion during these moments. Parenting a strong-willed child is genuinely challenging, and it’s normal to feel frustrated. The key is learning to respond rather than react. Take deep breaths, count to ten, or even step away for a moment if needed.

Remember that your child is watching how you handle difficult emotions. When you model calm responses to stress, you’re teaching them valuable skills for managing their own intense feelings.

Habit 4: Offer Choices and Options

Strong-willed children have a deep need to feel some control over their lives. Instead of giving direct commands, try offering choices whenever possible. This gives them a sense of autonomy while still maintaining necessary boundaries.

For example, instead of saying “Go clean your room now,” try “Would you like to clean your room before or after dinner?” or “Do you want to start with picking up toys or making your bed?” You’re still ensuring the room gets cleaned, but your child feels they have some say in how and when it happens.

When conflicts arise, engage your child in problem-solving. If they’re resisting bedtime, ask, “We have a problem. You need to get enough sleep for school tomorrow, but you’re not feeling tired yet. What ideas do you have for solving this?” You might be surprised by their creative solutions.

This approach works because it respects your child’s intelligence and need for autonomy while still maintaining necessary limits. It transforms you from an adversary into a collaborator.

Habit 5: Stay Consistent

Consistency is absolutely crucial when parenting a strong-willed child. These children are incredibly perceptive and will quickly identify any inconsistencies in your approach. If you sometimes give in to their demands and sometimes don’t, they’ll learn that persistence pays off.

This doesn’t mean being rigid or inflexible. Rather, it means being predictable in your responses and follow-through. If you set a boundary, stick to it calmly and kindly. If you make a rule, enforce it consistently.

Avoid getting drawn into lengthy arguments or negotiations about established rules. State your position clearly and calmly, then disengage from the power struggle. You might say, “I understand you’re upset about this rule, but it’s not changing today. I’m here if you want to talk about your feelings.”

Consistency also means having the same expectations and consequences regardless of your mood or energy level. This helps your child feel secure and understand what’s expected of them.

Habit 6: Pick Your Battles

Strong-willed children can turn almost anything into a power struggle if you let them. Learning to distinguish between issues that truly matter and those that don’t is essential for maintaining your sanity and preserving your relationship.

Ask yourself: “Is this really important, or am I just trying to be right?” If your child wants to wear their superhero costume to the grocery store, and it’s not hurting anyone, consider letting it go. Save your energy for the battles that truly matter—safety issues, respect for others, and core family values.

This doesn’t mean having no standards or expectations. It means being strategic about when and how you enforce them. You might decide that keeping their room reasonably tidy is negotiable, but treating family members with respect is non-negotiable.

Remember that every interaction with your child is either making deposits into or withdrawals from your relationship bank account. Choose your battles wisely to preserve the connection that makes all other guidance possible.

Habit 7: Listen and Validate

Strong-willed children desperately need to feel heard and understood. Often, their difficult behavior is their way of communicating something important that they don’t have the words to express directly.

Practice active listening when your child is upset. Get down to their eye level, give them your full attention, and reflect back what you’re hearing. You might say, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated that we have to leave the park when you were having so much fun.”

Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your child says or wants. It means acknowledging their feelings as real and important. You can validate their emotions while still maintaining necessary boundaries.

Sometimes, just feeling heard and understood is enough to diffuse a child’s resistance. When they know you genuinely care about their perspective, they’re more likely to cooperate with your requests.

Habit 8: Allow Mistakes

Strong-willed children often learn best through experience rather than instruction. While it’s tempting to try to save them from every mistake, allowing them to experience natural consequences can be incredibly powerful.

Create safe opportunities for your child to make choices and experience the results. If they refuse to wear a coat on a chilly day, let them feel cold (as long as it’s not dangerous). If they choose not to do homework, let them face the consequences at school.

This approach requires patience and the ability to resist saying “I told you so.” Instead, offer empathy and support when they face the results of their choices. You might say, “That must have been uncomfortable being cold. What do you think you’ll do differently next time?”

Learning from mistakes builds resilience and helps children develop internal motivation rather than just external compliance.

Habit 9: Model Apologies

Nobody’s perfect, and parenting a strong-willed child will inevitably lead to moments when you lose your cool or make mistakes. When this happens, model the behavior you want to see by apologizing sincerely.

If you yell at your child in frustration, acknowledge it later. You might say, “I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier. I was feeling stressed, but that’s not an excuse for treating you that way. You deserve to be spoken to with respect.”

This does two important things: it shows your child that everyone makes mistakes and that the appropriate response is to take responsibility and make amends. It also demonstrates that your love for them isn’t dependent on perfect behavior—yours or theirs.

Strong-willed children often struggle with perfectionism and fear of failure. When you model humility and the ability to bounce back from mistakes, you’re teaching them valuable life skills.

Habit 10: Invest in the Relationship

Above all else, focus on building and maintaining a strong, loving relationship with your child. This relationship is the foundation that makes all other guidance and discipline possible.

Look for opportunities to connect with your child throughout the day. Notice their interests, celebrate their strengths, and show genuine appreciation for who they are. When conflicts arise, remember that this is your beloved child, not your enemy.

Create family rituals and traditions that strengthen your bond. This might be a weekly one-on-one breakfast, a special bedtime routine, or a family game night. These positive experiences create a reservoir of connection that can sustain you through difficult times.

Many parents find that prayer or meditation helps them maintain perspective and patience. Whether your approach is spiritual or secular, taking time to center yourself and remember your deeper values can provide strength for the challenging moments.

Transforming Challenges into Strengths

Parenting a strong-willed child is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s also an incredible opportunity. These children often grow up to be leaders, innovators, and change-makers. Their determination and passion, when properly channeled, can become tremendous assets.

The same qualities that make your child difficult to parent now—their persistence, their refusal to simply comply, their strong sense of justice—may serve them well as adults. Your job isn’t to break their will,